jessishot

Okay wow I just did that thing where I go back and read old entries about who knows what from who knows when. Everytime I do it I always get really mixed emotions about things. There are things that I see that I'm proud of and some things ehhh not so much. There are things I miss and there are things I wish I could bury with a shovel and never look back on.

I love looking back on stupid things that were inside jokes with me and Jessica. They still to this day make me physically laugh out loud, to this day I still haven't found anyone like her/you (since I know you're one of like 4 people who read this) But some of my best memories are with her and I'm just so glad with all that happened we're still making more of them. I actually had like a 45 minute conversation with Wilma the other day, I can't tell you the last time that happened, it was like old times before I screwed everything up. He didn't yell at me for never calling it was just the two of us talking about the random crap we used to. Those two are honestly the two best friends I've ever had. I hate that I can't see them everyday I really really do.

I miss all of our crazy escapades down port with ALL of us and arguing about who's parents were gonna drive and who was an attention whore and who was being pissy for no reason and all of that stupid shit. There all just memories that have shaped who we've all become and its just honestly mind blowing how many different directions we've all gone. I mean hell we all went through the most up and down roller coaster rides of our lives we grew up together.

Granted, High School sucked, it sucks for everyone but the prom queen, but its just part of life. And it makes me sad because I think of everyone always saying "you don't keep the friends you have in high school" and of course we were all like "noooo not us we'll be bff forever" And I think that will be true for a very select few.

Which makes me think of all the connections I have lost. I actually had a stupid/funny incident with that the other day (even though that was an extenuating circumstance that I still maintain I don't deserve most of the blame for) But it does make me think of all the communication bridges I've burned. I honestly with all my heart didn't intend for it to be that way, Its hard on me I guess because I'm not there with everyone, I'm the one cast out and while everyone there has ONE person in Georgia to keep in contact with I have FIFTY New Yorkers to keep in contact with and it honestly makes me very sad and nostalgic and its exhausting. Selfish I realize but its honestly all I'm capable of anymore.

Fuck I don't even know what I'm saying anymore I hate when I get in these moods.

I wanna go back home, its just very hard sometimes because everything has changed so much and its just bizarre I think. But I want to I wanna see where everyone's lives have taken them. I want everyone to meet Bryon and see how I'm different now and see the life I've made for myself. I want him to see where I came from because he only ever gets to hear about it. I want to meet Branden, and Lola, see Kristen drive and go to college, and I still haven't seen Bill's blue room with no bunk beds in it. And Nana. I miss Nana. The Montalbanos and Curcies...my 2nd family.


SO! I'm going to. I don't know when because I'm crazy poor. But I will its here in black and white. Lauren Dubelle is going to quit being a lame ass and FINALLY go back to New York.

Its only been what? Shit 2 years? Wow. Okay there it is.


P.S.- This is seriously a major dilemma I deal with hahaha I just never really made it that public.

Okay I'm finnnnnally updating again...I usually don't update because I'm incredibly old and uninteresting these days.


I just found out today that my district manager had put his two weeks in a week ago and his last day will be Friday. I'm sure this is lame on a lot of levels but I'm actually really sad about it. He was the one who hired me and got me out of the awful situation I was in when I still worked at Heritage and he's just all around such a nice person and has been so great to work with I'm really sad he's leaving. Plus he's moving to Texas ::shudder::


Today made me think about Heritage a lot though. That place was awful they just over work and don't appreciate their people. I'm really glad to be out of there it really started to wear down on my soul...seriously. Ugh it makes me wanna go back and read my journal from high school when I thought I had real problems hahaha.

Things with Bryon and I are same old same old...I wouldn't have it any other way of course. We're still the same ol' living in sin, eating take out dinner at our coffee table while watching reruns of scrubs, in bed by midnight, old people selves.

I love my dog more than air. I hope he and Lola will live happily ever after haha <3

Ew. My sister is 16 and going to Homecoming this weekend. Ew. I also just hired someone born in 1990...Ew. I'm farking old.

I was watching Sex and the City today (guilty pleasure I know) and one of the girls asked the question "Are men just women with balls?" I totally think so, they get there little man periods, get overly defensive and pissy about things just like women do...they're simply more blunt and aggressive about it, it comes out through spats of testosterone ridden rage and punching something whereas women will cry and talk shit to their girlfriends about it. So I found that to be a very true and underrated statement.

See? This is why I don't update I'm random. Anywho. Fare thee well.

I win.

Well hello there. I have missed you.


Here are some random thoughts, from lord knows how long ago....


Letsee what have you missed?


I'm in love. In every sense of the word. Its funny, hindsight, you're so sure of one thing and when it ends you feel like you'll never breathe again. And then, happily one day, you're proven so wrong. His name is Bryon, we live together, we have a dog, we pay bills, we worry about money, we sit in our underwear until noon doing nothing because we're just so happy to just be together its wonderful. Simply wonderful.

Do I regret all of my time with Adrian? No. It was an experience I think both of us needed, we grew a lot together and in the end it just wasn't meant to be, its funny you always hear people say that but you never quite get it until it happens to you. Sometimes you're so used to something you don't think that there is anything wrong with it. That was our problem I feel like we just got USED to each other, and it lead us to stay together for all the wrong reasons. For awhile I felt like I wasted so much time, and thats always been my feelings on relationships...they're a waste of time, so I leave. So I left. But honestly? Now, more than ever I believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason, I think I had to be with him to go through the things we went through together so I could grow up and be a better person and know exactly who I am and be ok with that.

I don't really know why all of this is coming out now, I guess because I was isolated down here and I had no one to talk to about it really. Its funny what an alone idle night can do for your thoughts.

My family is moving. To Ala-fucking-bama. Kill me now. I really don't know how I'll react, I don't think its sunk in yet, we're used to moving, its weird being left behind. But again its fate, I don't know if I could uproot everything and move it all again, I'm not strong enough for that. I hate moving, hell I hate change in general. Bizarro.

I hate my job. My boss is a complete and utter nightmare, she actually made me cry. I've cried one other time at work in my life, its terrible you're never treated the same. It sucks because I want to quit, but I love every other part of the job other than her and I absolutely LOATHE job hunting. Plus! I'm poor so I can't just up and leave like I used to. Times is hard.

I'm losing another friend. I swear it must be me. I feel like they all go crazy on me and leave, but it really must be something I do. I feel like Jessica is/was the only true best friend. Everyone else has been tainted, or changed somehow. It must be me.

Two years ago. Two long years, I won't say its gotten better, I'll say its gotten easier. I still think about it, everyday I fight it but its everywhere. I don't want to forget it, it happened its my journey. I hate myself, but I deal with it accordingly I guess. Any day now any day now. It'll all be normal again.

I did however decide that after the better part of 3 years of absolutely OBSESSING about my stupid weight, I. Don't. Care. There's other things to live for. I think I've earned not caring at all for awhile.

I'm in a play again. Thank JESUS. I am in a play again. Its Shakespeare, and its wonderful it is an escape from everything. I've missed it all so much I feel like thats something for me and me alone and its one think I don't think I can ever lose. I love it. Love love LOVE it.

I'm sick too, blah anemia.

Anyway so thats my story for now way back to whenever my last entry was. I feel somewhat better. Yay.

When will the lambs stop screaming?

Blah. Every time I think I have this whole moving thing down it catches up to me and kicks my ass all over again. Lame.

I haven't updated in awhile...hey kids.


SO! Retail work...its okay its just a complete 180 from working at the Best Western...plus the Best Western DEFINATELY had better Christmas music. Its totally like ruining Christmas for me haha what we have to play is totally totally bad ugh. And there's A LOT of bullshit that goes on there so I don't really like it for that reason also...I don't know if its disturbing or comforting to know that there's bullshit wherever you work...

Adrian and I totally forgot our anniversary this month haha I guess after the one year its all kinda silly after that you stop counting months as much haha christ I feel so old saying that. He and I are doing good though so yay haha.


I saw stranger than fiction...it wasn't good. Just for anyone pondering going to see it...it wasn't good.

I actually saw it with some of the girls at work...it was weird having like a girls night out again because after high school the main people I hung out with consisted of Adrian, Justin, and Ibsen playing video games on Ibsen's couch. And when I moved down here the first two people I befriended from the museum were guys haha. So to go from 0 to 60 on the estrogen scale was kind of a nice change of pace haha.


I miss New York a lot, I really can't wait to come home. I'm hoping for january but that might not make sense so I don't know we'll wait and see...

I really have nothing to say but I actually feel like updating.


So! Work is going good, I like pretty much all of the people there and its good to have girlfriends again i guess cause all the friends that I made from the Haunted Museum were guys (which is fine but still) Its good to be making money again though because I'm always freaking out because my credit card bill it continually racking up which freaks me out and I'm down to may last 100 or so dollars for my car payment. Eeeeesh, I farking hate money.

It sucks too because two things I definately took for granted at the BW was getting paid every week and direct deposit...this place does neither. Ugh. It sucks to think of how much money you go and blow at the mall when in reality if youd've just saved it you'd be soooo much better off. But when you're in High School you have nothing better to spend your money on and you don't think in terms like that but its still just funny to me.

I totally like scraped the wall of the garage with my car the other day...daddy is not pleased haha its not that bad in my opinion but it'll definately take a couple things of touch up paint haha. Good driver...terrrrrible parker haha.

SO! I think I've bored you sufficiently enough for today. Ta!

Okay so I'm officially no longer a bum. I am now employed at Forever XXI...which will soon be known as "heritage" evidently, a little inside tip for you guys there haha.

It feels good because I'm not going to be as stressed, but at the same time---confession: I feel like this is me FINALLY admitting "Okay you live here now, get on with your life" but when I moved from Ohio I lost touch with everyone, as much as I hated it, it just happened.

I don't want that to happen, I'm hoping maybe because I'm older and more established with who I am and maybe just more mature it won't but I can't help but wonder Is it INEVITABLE?? God I certainly hope not. I'm doing good so far I just aggggh I don't know. I don't know.


Adrian came down to visit to celebrate our 1 year and his birthday. It was wonderful as always, but I swear to God the day when I have to leave him at the airport I swear I'd almost rather not see him at all and just live over the phone together. He bought me a really beautiful necklace that has a diamond and two sapphires (my favorite combination) I was in tears it was honestly the sweetest thing ever and I by no means consider myself materialistic OR overly romantic but I love him. I really really do. Which tends to make the whole thing worse but I try to ignore that.

This was a really sappy entry I apologize haha.

One year today, Adrian and I have been dating. I feel extremely accomplished with myself for some reason I'm like: "Hey you don't always blow it!"


I just wanted to mark this occasion for myself I guess haha.

This halloween is gonna suck something serious! That makes me sad, I miss my Halloween Party, and Jess's Christmas party, and Dan's fourth of July Party...and whoever's New Year's Party.

Uh oh nostalgia creepin in and I don't want to spoil my mood....fare thee well lovies.

Hello.


I don't have much to say really so I guess I'll just ramble a little...


I've been hanging out with this one guy Mike lately, I met him at the halloween show. He's pretty cool, Adrian feels threatened...ugh. And everyone else is all excited, its weird I kinda feel like a freakshow and everyone thinks "awww look Lauren made a friend!" but I don't know it never really bothered me because I do have friends, they just don't live here. So yeah its a good thing but I'm not like overjoyed about it, maybe I should be though haha.

I almost got a job at Hallmark, which I was kind of excited for at first, because I AM starting to miss having money and I also liked that after all the craziness and stress that goes on at the Best Western I figured this would've been a LOVELY change of pace...but at freakin $6 an hour....no thanks. I have low self esteem but dammit I'm worth more than THAT hahaha.


Letsee....I miss you guys, a lot. Yeah I really do.


On a random stupid note I was HIGHLY disappointed with the project runway finale this year...I don't know if any of you who still actually read this thing watch it but I was THOROUGHLY pissed!!

...I just realized why everyone is so excited I'm going out again hahaha my life is sad.

Thank you and goodnight!!!

I'm siiiiick ugh.

Oh well its not like its keeping me from anything special hahaha.

Adrian comes down on November 4th :-), we originally wanted it to be around october 30th because thats the big one year but he has to work which sucks but I don't care I'm just so well quite frankly proud that I have a real relationship that I haven't screwed up in one way or another. So theres something to look forward to.

The show opens F R I D A Y and i feel like I've had no rehearsal time, but I'm ready so whatever I guess.

I really feel like I should just get a bullshit meaningless teenager job until I'm ready for school, but I don't know I'm kind of being bratty about it because I don't wanna hahah i just don't. I guess cause I was a farking workaholic in NY I just feel i don't know I'm entitled to a break (however rediculously long that may be haha)

OH! I never announced (except to a select few) what school i'm referring to....this is random prepare yourselves....I'm going to become a nurse.

No I'm serious haha. Its always something I thought I'd be really good at but never thought possible because I was a fuck up in high school and never thought I'd have the grades to get into med school, but now that I'm in the real world I know that yes in fact I can. Its really exciting for me because now I finally feel like I have a plan and know what the hell I'm doing. So Yay for that.

ummmmmm this entry was boring, my apologies.


Oh and Happy Birthday John Lennon!!!

Sorry, I reeeally don't want to sound like an ungrateful brat with this but I really am upset and I just need to let this out.

I'm really really tired. As of today Adrian and I have been dating 11 months, and I love him to death I really do.

However, I'm just really tired because I feel like even with all we've gone through and all the time we've been together I feel like he still has no idea whatsoever of who I am, and how I feel about things. I just hate how bloody insensitive he can be to my feelings, and like he'll genuinely hurt my feelings but I feel like it always does a 180 and I end up apologizing.


I feel like the relationship is extremely one-sided when it comes to making things right. There's a million examples I could give but they'd bore you and I don't wanna get into it.

He's always talking about our future (a dream right? a guy who looks FORWARD to commitment) but he makes NO strides to working towards that, he's all talk sometimes. Its just frustrating I guess cause I'm really lonely and I feel like I need him now more than ever and he's just not there sometimes. Blah I'm a such a brat.

I don't know I guess I just wanted to send this out there to SOMEONE, I dunno maybe to feel less crazy than I feel right now.

Happy fucking anniversary hahaha.

-------------

In other news; My sister turns 14 tomorrow...I feel very old.


I'm having a lot of fun with this haunted museum thing I'm doing. Its surprisingly a lot more professional than I'd image...like A LOT more. It feels good to be acting again.

I'm extremely homesick :X

I'm fat again haha like "Old School Lauren" fat...but at least I don't care this time around, for the moment anyway.

Okay this is THE most across the board entry ever so goodnight!

Today is one of those days where unfortunately sometimes it takes a great loss to realize what you're truly thankful for and what you take for granted.

I made a montage on myspace just as a "hey you mean a lot to me" sort of thing, and just about all of you are in it, and I'm a big believer in you can never tell someone enough how much they truly mean to you.


I love you guys, truly.


And God Bless America.

Okay so I'm not actually really sad for once so I decided to update and not have it all "waaaaah!"


SO: My Birthday was okay, I guess no better no worse than usual. Adrian came down which was a very lovely yet bittersweet visit.

I've decided to FINALLY get off my arse and get meself a job, i suppose to not feel useless anymore. I'll probably stick the hotel biz...I know it well, and sadly enough I'm good and it and I enjoy it sometimes so it'll work out nicely I think.

I'm also going to audition for this "Halloween Fest" thing thats with a local theatre group, its not my ideal but I miss acting I really do. Its like a bunch of scary stories and skits and its professional not like kids in a basement type thing...plus I get paid, which is an opportunity not many actors see early on. So hopefully I'll make that and maybe meet some new people cause its starting to suck watching my 13 year old sister have more of a life than me.

Wow is that really all I have to talk about??

Hm.

Okay so I'm boring...but not miserable at the moment which is the important thing.

Au Revoir for now.

Too little too late.


Its the strangest feeling, I feel like I've honestly gotten my life back finally, but I can't enjoy it because I'm still paying for certain things and its a harsh reality that some things are never going away.

Which I guess is some form of poetic justice I had to learn eventually that I can't just say I'm sorry and expect things to go back to normal.

I'm just sick of crying I guess.

I hate missing everyone.


Life is hard haha.

::apologies for the melodrama::


Lets see I'll update on a good note like normal people.

Adrian comes down in now 2 days which I'm hoping will make things a little bit better and I'm sure it will I suppose thats why I'm so attached to the boy haha. So I'm really excited about that.

And so far the "bad things always happen on my birthday" curse hasn't occurred yet so thats pretty cool.

I'm addicted to Law and Order SVU now....


...thats about it.

Okay. Lame ass Entry is now ovah!

Its truly amazing how much you think when there's nothing to do but sit around and think. Actually its not so much amazing as it is daunting.


I look back in the months that have passed and I look at all thats happened, things that have changed, people who have come and gone and come back again. I realized that nothing is certain, and you can't really count on anything. I don't say that in a "oh life is just out to fuck you" sense I mean it very literally...nothing is guaranteed or promised to you.


And thats something everyone's said they've understood and known forever but maybe its just me but i don't know maybe certain things in your life happen that make you realize how true it really is.

On the other hand the one thing you supposedly can count on is yourself. I haven't found that to be true because you can be just as much of a danger to yourself as anything else.

I wasn't a good person. I spent so much time trying to be more than I needed to it ended up looping around in a complete circle, and I wasn't a good friend to those who were to me, and it just started a whole chain of events that left me alone, scared, and confused and trying to re-build myself as a whole

I finally looked at everything and asked myself "How could you do that to the person you loved more than anything?" "How could you be so consumed by an image in a mirror you would do that to yourself?" And "HOW could THAT happen of all things?" I just wondered HOW THE HELL did I get here? How could I get to such a lost point in my life.

Maybe I can check it off to karma, maybe its just the wake up call I needed, maybe its just bad luck. Whatever it is I had to grow up tremendously and just finally admit to myself that I was a stupid little girl who thought she knew what was what in the world and could control it...I've never been so wrong about anything.

I don't know what I mean to accomplish by this entry, I guess its a confession, an apology (you know who you are), and a declaration of my dazzling new sense of self ha.

But I guess the moral and yeah I'll call it a happy ending of this weirdo story that only myself (and one other will get most of it) is that I found my mistakes, and for once in my life I learned from them. I've fixed myself to a point where I've stopped hating myself and deemed me suitable to be around decent humans again. I'm happy for the first time in a long time with who I am for the most part (nobody's perfect still!) It sounds incredibly corny but I feel like I've gotten through the worst of myself and I can FINALLY just be Lauren..and thats okay with me.

So thank you to those who have helped me along the way, I forgive those I've been hurt by (except Tom...fuck you) and I truly hope that those who I've hurt can forgive me (especially you because you were the most helpful, least hurtful, and the one I hurt the most)




This should've been a lifetime movie.

Someone asked me a while ago "what was the hardest day of your life?"


I'd like to change my answer I think.

Ha.

Last night was really fun. Strangely I feel a lot better now and I don't think I realized how bad I felt for some reason if that makes sense at all. So thanks you guys.

I finished High School, am I ready? Not really no.



But Looky how happy I am right now anyway!



heh.